On Saturday night, i felt very lost. It comes to a point when i dunno what i'm doing. Suddenly, i felt no directions in my life, although everything i did seem to have a purpose. but the purpose is so insignificant that i wondering why i'm working, why am i doing something i don't like. and through some conversation, and through some sms-es, i have a weird feeling of what they seem to be delivering to me. I'm talking about the close ones ard me. True enough, yes they tell me positive , encouraging words, but i felt that people pity me more than i think they should ever do. I felt i don't need it. i may not be as well to do as many years back, but i never thought i wanted to rely on anyone financially. But certain things came their way, i've to accept it. I can give what i've to soemone who needs it more than me, but i dun need you to give me something out of pity. I don't know maybe i'm receiving it in a wrong way, but i don't need those looks, those words, those actions which makes me feel like a fool.

Results was release on Friday, but i only check mine hours later. I didn't want to tell anyone my results, because they will never understand. how much effort, time, sleepless nights put in and not getting the results my dad expects puts me into deep dissapointment. I was drained in hours of despair, silence. In the midst of all heart-breaking moments, eyes brimmed over tears, i buried myself into long hours of work, even requested for extend working hours. To allow myself some time off from thinking about my results. I see myself working hard the whole of last year. My friends could testify that. But it all comes with results that made my dad fuming mad, and i'm just waiting for his return from overseas for further lectures.

I felt really useless, seriously. I dunno how more can i describe how i feel. How useless i'm compared with my brother and sister. True enough there shouldn't be any comparison. However, by nature we do compare, parents always does tat though they know they shouldn't. I tried to ignore comments, i tried not to bother about what their thoughts but right now after some thoughts, i dunno if i'm on the right path. i ain't a perfectionist, i hope everyone stops thinking highly of me. I'm none in any way. Living up to expectations really pressurize me.

I?m always in
My box.
It changes what I see
What I do,
I?m never free.
In my box.
I only see the inside of
My box.
I live inside,
But I can?t hide
In my box.
Someone locked me in
My box.
I couldn?t see
That one was me.
In my box.

I am the star you see
But my life isn't what you make it out to be
Each sparkle, a tear
Each glimmer, my fear
Held out in this cold
I am a light of old
But you don't know me
I am not free
I am distant and alone
Seen but not known
I am the star you see
But you are the key.


I took a few days leave from work. Thanks to my friend who's willingly to cover for my shift. reason being i've to 'look after' raine. She's physically, emotionally struggling of a half-broken relationship and is currently sick. It seems i've the responsibility to look after her since her dad's not in singapore, her mum's only around after 8pm. Her brother's on work attachment overseas. Well she remains silent throughout the day, i thought i shouldn't ask unless she talks. If not for the rain, probably getting out of the house would be a better solution. I realise how vulnerable relationships can be. I study what raine's feeling now. "Awaken one morning and the feeling wasn't right like before. Dry dead rose petals crushed in fist. The feeling of pain inside her heart. Titanic hitting a lonely iceberg in the mist.The feeling her feet don't want to move. Empty, lonely, Forever lost." I don't know, i never was a love expert or anything. but i definitely know what's like in her position cos 3 years ago i was in the same position, same situation, more or less.

i wanted to be guided by the sun.

p.s : my dear friends, if you are really interested in how i fare for my As, drop me a mail. cos i don't wish to discuss my results over here.

I’ve lost the way to describe what I feel ,in words that will make you see and understand. I’ve forgotten how to speak my mind and let my heart out because i fear ,and doing nothing to stop it. I’m crying inside breaking everything down and not caring at all that I’m lost and I’m cold and I want to find my way.
Back home, to my words and my mind and find out how to speak out and talk to you.

Few more hours to results. I've receive more than i expected loads of sms-es, emails, calls, cards, post cards of encouragement, wishing lucks. Thanks to all of you! really touched. ;) But still can't help feeling anxious. Maybe i wasn't really thinking about the results, i guess i was thinkin about my dad. I think i'm gonna be a let down to him. It's quite impossible to achieve all As. unless miracles strikes. well shldnt even depend on miracles, i dun believe in them anymore. i dunno how to face tomorrow. i dun feel like talking to anyone. i dun feel like sms-ing.. very drained from all work. perhaps tat really prevents me from thinking.
i wonder what will happen to me if i dun do well. no i wun escape from my dad. i'm mature enough to do that.

If I had wings, I could fly away, leave this place, disappear. If I had wings, I could dance on air and fly with the birds with bird-like songs. If I had wings, I wouldn't be here, I would leave. And go to that far-off place, where no one else could come. And I would be at peace,with myself and the world if I had wings.

Blue gray, the color is perfect for a dawning day. The oils are soothing and smooth and I fall into it. The brush strokes are like the raking of finger tips, sounds of the the brush and paint in paper awaken my ears. A release from life is made in each inch of the work, a sadness can overtake you from the ending of such pleasure. So painful that a soul can ache from the seperation of its presence. And my eyes get lazy from the movements and my senses are engulfed, because the actions are instinct, they are draining the sins from me. If only temporarily a baptism occurs, it lets everything else fade. The feelings bleed onto the pigments and a beatiful transaction takes place. An while the brush is held by my hands, all weighs are lifted until time returns. The silence of painted canvas can capture my eyes forever and my mind will wander into a dream, or a past, or a memory. Its not just work that I miss, every living, waking day, its an escape.

Been so busy to barely even have time for some sleep. anyway that's not something surprising..

weekends were spend between work and family gatherings at bryan's place. Met a few of my cousins whom i havent seen since they went overseas to study and now back in Singapore for a break for a month. Yaps, they are all about the same age as me. It's a different feeling. I've always been with cousins so much younger than me.. in a way they are more matured, more sociable, more family-oriented now. =)

This friday gonna take results? I heard i probably can check mine on thrus. it's impossible for straight As and i hope my dad forgives me. I've done my best, work hard for the whole year, i won't have any regrets. I know i most probably will be unable to live up to my dad's expectations. My siblings ace their As with remarkable results, especially my brother who's now on a scholarship...

Thanks Megan, for making me feel like i'm filming a drama upon our meeting. Now i'm beginning to understand what's fate all about and why "turn left. turn right" the movie. I never imagine i will experience that. hahah but least i'm smart =) but i must say you change a 80%. Thanks for that book, though i haven't started reading it. Hope you like yours ;) can't wait to meet up soon