....and dear friends.

i see a change. a change not in me. a change in her. and i'm afraid that i'll lose her...

++++++++++++++++ updates +++++++++++

lately, i've been busy with training.
lately, i've been busy with work.
lately, i've been busy with school proj.
lately, i've been busy with dance. [dance competition just ended : 2nd ]
lately, i've been busy with work-outs.
lately, i've been busy with filming.
lately, i've been trying to have a good rest
lately, i've been trying to get some nice clothes, but time and money doesn't allow.
lately, i've been trying to tell everyone i miss them, but i can't.
lately, i've been trying to send my regards to everyone, but i can't.

to everyone, sorry have been mia for sometime, because of some work load and some other stuffs. don't worry, eveything is fine and i definitely miss all of you guys... u koe who u are.. alright. i'll go take a rest. till then, take care.

and if i told you that i loved you,
you'd maybe think theres something wrong.
i'm not a man with too many faces,
the mask i wear is one.
and those who speak know nothing,
and find out to their cost.
like those who curse their luck in too many places,
and those who smile are lost.

i know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
i know that the clubs are weapons of war.
i know that diamonds mean money for this art,
but that's not the shape of my heart.

BORED. PLS GO DO UR WORK .

harry potter was disappointing.

wild wild wet has open in downtown east.

david updated me awhile ago. ;)and if you are wondering what it is, its a water theme park similar to fastasy island back then.

Congrats to NH! SI SI! :P

I live in a box, I'm stuck in a hole, whichever comes first, i don't really know. I crave to live, i yearn to die, i like to swim, and i don't like water. If pigs could fly, then you'd see why, the words that make this meaningless rhyme. Toss me a dime, or drop me a line, I'll be here in my little box

On Saturday night, i felt very lost. It comes to a point when i dunno what i'm doing. Suddenly, i felt no directions in my life, although everything i did seem to have a purpose. but the purpose is so insignificant that i wondering why i'm working, why am i doing something i don't like. and through some conversation, and through some sms-es, i have a weird feeling of what they seem to be delivering to me. I'm talking about the close ones ard me. True enough, yes they tell me positive , encouraging words, but i felt that people pity me more than i think they should ever do. I felt i don't need it. i may not be as well to do as many years back, but i never thought i wanted to rely on anyone financially. But certain things came their way, i've to accept it. I can give what i've to soemone who needs it more than me, but i dun need you to give me something out of pity. I don't know maybe i'm receiving it in a wrong way, but i don't need those looks, those words, those actions which makes me feel like a fool.

Results was release on Friday, but i only check mine hours later. I didn't want to tell anyone my results, because they will never understand. how much effort, time, sleepless nights put in and not getting the results my dad expects puts me into deep dissapointment. I was drained in hours of despair, silence. In the midst of all heart-breaking moments, eyes brimmed over tears, i buried myself into long hours of work, even requested for extend working hours. To allow myself some time off from thinking about my results. I see myself working hard the whole of last year. My friends could testify that. But it all comes with results that made my dad fuming mad, and i'm just waiting for his return from overseas for further lectures.

I felt really useless, seriously. I dunno how more can i describe how i feel. How useless i'm compared with my brother and sister. True enough there shouldn't be any comparison. However, by nature we do compare, parents always does tat though they know they shouldn't. I tried to ignore comments, i tried not to bother about what their thoughts but right now after some thoughts, i dunno if i'm on the right path. i ain't a perfectionist, i hope everyone stops thinking highly of me. I'm none in any way. Living up to expectations really pressurize me.

I?m always in
My box.
It changes what I see
What I do,
I?m never free.
In my box.
I only see the inside of
My box.
I live inside,
But I can?t hide
In my box.
Someone locked me in
My box.
I couldn?t see
That one was me.
In my box.

I am the star you see
But my life isn't what you make it out to be
Each sparkle, a tear
Each glimmer, my fear
Held out in this cold
I am a light of old
But you don't know me
I am not free
I am distant and alone
Seen but not known
I am the star you see
But you are the key.


I took a few days leave from work. Thanks to my friend who's willingly to cover for my shift. reason being i've to 'look after' raine. She's physically, emotionally struggling of a half-broken relationship and is currently sick. It seems i've the responsibility to look after her since her dad's not in singapore, her mum's only around after 8pm. Her brother's on work attachment overseas. Well she remains silent throughout the day, i thought i shouldn't ask unless she talks. If not for the rain, probably getting out of the house would be a better solution. I realise how vulnerable relationships can be. I study what raine's feeling now. "Awaken one morning and the feeling wasn't right like before. Dry dead rose petals crushed in fist. The feeling of pain inside her heart. Titanic hitting a lonely iceberg in the mist.The feeling her feet don't want to move. Empty, lonely, Forever lost." I don't know, i never was a love expert or anything. but i definitely know what's like in her position cos 3 years ago i was in the same position, same situation, more or less.

i wanted to be guided by the sun.

p.s : my dear friends, if you are really interested in how i fare for my As, drop me a mail. cos i don't wish to discuss my results over here.

I’ve lost the way to describe what I feel ,in words that will make you see and understand. I’ve forgotten how to speak my mind and let my heart out because i fear ,and doing nothing to stop it. I’m crying inside breaking everything down and not caring at all that I’m lost and I’m cold and I want to find my way.
Back home, to my words and my mind and find out how to speak out and talk to you.

Few more hours to results. I've receive more than i expected loads of sms-es, emails, calls, cards, post cards of encouragement, wishing lucks. Thanks to all of you! really touched. ;) But still can't help feeling anxious. Maybe i wasn't really thinking about the results, i guess i was thinkin about my dad. I think i'm gonna be a let down to him. It's quite impossible to achieve all As. unless miracles strikes. well shldnt even depend on miracles, i dun believe in them anymore. i dunno how to face tomorrow. i dun feel like talking to anyone. i dun feel like sms-ing.. very drained from all work. perhaps tat really prevents me from thinking.
i wonder what will happen to me if i dun do well. no i wun escape from my dad. i'm mature enough to do that.

If I had wings, I could fly away, leave this place, disappear. If I had wings, I could dance on air and fly with the birds with bird-like songs. If I had wings, I wouldn't be here, I would leave. And go to that far-off place, where no one else could come. And I would be at peace,with myself and the world if I had wings.

Blue gray, the color is perfect for a dawning day. The oils are soothing and smooth and I fall into it. The brush strokes are like the raking of finger tips, sounds of the the brush and paint in paper awaken my ears. A release from life is made in each inch of the work, a sadness can overtake you from the ending of such pleasure. So painful that a soul can ache from the seperation of its presence. And my eyes get lazy from the movements and my senses are engulfed, because the actions are instinct, they are draining the sins from me. If only temporarily a baptism occurs, it lets everything else fade. The feelings bleed onto the pigments and a beatiful transaction takes place. An while the brush is held by my hands, all weighs are lifted until time returns. The silence of painted canvas can capture my eyes forever and my mind will wander into a dream, or a past, or a memory. Its not just work that I miss, every living, waking day, its an escape.

Been so busy to barely even have time for some sleep. anyway that's not something surprising..

weekends were spend between work and family gatherings at bryan's place. Met a few of my cousins whom i havent seen since they went overseas to study and now back in Singapore for a break for a month. Yaps, they are all about the same age as me. It's a different feeling. I've always been with cousins so much younger than me.. in a way they are more matured, more sociable, more family-oriented now. =)

This friday gonna take results? I heard i probably can check mine on thrus. it's impossible for straight As and i hope my dad forgives me. I've done my best, work hard for the whole year, i won't have any regrets. I know i most probably will be unable to live up to my dad's expectations. My siblings ace their As with remarkable results, especially my brother who's now on a scholarship...

Thanks Megan, for making me feel like i'm filming a drama upon our meeting. Now i'm beginning to understand what's fate all about and why "turn left. turn right" the movie. I never imagine i will experience that. hahah but least i'm smart =) but i must say you change a 80%. Thanks for that book, though i haven't started reading it. Hope you like yours ;) can't wait to meet up soon

i wish i own more cds. i see the difference between downloaded versions and the orginals.

i want cds! haha

Few more hours, my last day teaching but will be doing relief on behalf of others. And i met up with charmaine ( the girl i was refering to in my last last entry) for the continuation of the project. more or less finish the planning part. Gotta do some research and get more brains cracking... but anyway she's so funny...the way she laugh especially, even when nothing's funny.. maybe i've got a corny face. yes after my haircut.. raine's mom's fren thought i was 15 years old! :) grins.. hi big brothers and sister who is reading my blog.. guess no one younger than me rite.. i'm 15.hah. ok..

yeah tmr i'm finally going for my training!

btw what handphone is recommendable anyone?

A mind full of thoughts,
That no one can know.
A heart full of love,
That I cannot show.
Many deep feelings,
Hidden way down inside.
No one will ever know,
Just how much I tried.
To mask myself,
In the feelings untrue.
No one must ever know,
Just what damage they can do.

So what if you've conquered the tallest mountain
And attained all that could be attained?
So what if you've reached the top of the ladder
Only to find yourself a little sadder?
So what if you've climbed to the tallest stair
Simply to find you've lost a friend so rare?
Contemplate what has been lost in your push to the goal
Friends gone and your heart turned cold
Ambition and greed is an infinite abyss
Possessing them is a tremendous risk
Many people desire sucess
Which they think they can have no excess
However they have not thought
That it is lonely at the top

The silence looms around you
constantly there.
No matter how much noise around you
it still presses inward.
You feel the silence in your heart
pulling you down
into the darkness beyond
drowning you.

You feel the darkness
closing around you.
Your losing hope
but you see a gap in the darkness.
A light shining through
calling you into welcoming arms
waiting to embrace you.
All you need to do
just reach out your hand
let the light pull you to
safety.

But the darkness still closes in.
Wanting you for it's own
you know you must act now
the light so welcoming
but the dark so persistent.
You know you must decide now.
The light is fading .
This may be your last chance.
All you have to do
just reach out
let the love take you away
to a place where you can live with out fear
of words prored from the heart used against you
and in love
your home.

It feels awesome not working this whole week. Being able to return home and dine in with raine's family for dinner simply brightens up my entire day. After which watching drama serials or movies together, making sandwiches for tomorrow's breakfast... i've that locked in my mind. Yes i'm kinda homely at times, i like family-bondings and stuffs like tat, makes me feel there's truly someone that i can run to after a awful day outside..

I'm left with 2 more days to rest, meet up friends and complete my load of assignments. I'm currently working on a external project for my dad. Assisting me is Nat who's waiting for As results. So i've been meeting her quite often after school this week at my dad's office for some discussion. The impression she gave me on the first day was that she was rather slack kind. True enough i was quite right, i mean she's always doing the wrong ting at the wrong time...but but she's indeed different. Alright, she's really good in Chinese, which often makes me wonder if she took chinese lit..and her expressions and the way she talks about love, life and such... were words tat kept running in my head.

Finally the open house has ended. quite relieved, because for the past weeks been busy with pre-open house, then rehearsals, then on the actual day itself.. etc...

anyway i had my haircut today. and guess what? i've 4 pairs of hands cutting, tat makes 8 hands. yes 4 girls cutting my hair. hahaaaaa. well cos my hair was pretty in a mess cos its kinda long already and i decided to cut in real short - botak for re-growth of my hair. so i leave my hair in the hands of 4 of them. but after the hair cut...... i realise it was really botak..haaa but ultimately the girls really enjoy themselves man!!! just how they play with my hair, cutting all kinds of layer....and all those toot fringes.. ewkk....haaaaa.. but i must say at least they din do such a ugly cut.. haaaa

yawns i'm tired. gona go take a nap

I just ended my long hours of work since last night. so glad that i'm finally able to relax for a day tomorrow even though i've tuition in the morning. tuition is nothing more exhausting than working like a dog over there.

I finally realised how much i've relied on my hp to contact and connect myself to my frens.. even though i'm not a 24/7 having my phone on or having my fingers continously pressing the keypads or even talking on the phone. I'm neither... its the feeling of driftness. The battery / sound / memory are having some problems as well which makes me so sick of even carrying my phone out which i did this week. I went back to public phone and wasn't feeling at all that comfortable because i can imagine the amount of germs i'm taking in... so pple before i get a new phone, i won't be sms-ing or call much.

gotta do lots of catching up with frens tomorrow, been missing out loads of fun already... Tomorrow's a off day tomorrow's a off day tomorrow's a off day, because its SUNDAY!!!!

"Fear angst, disappointment, and reality - ecstasy is king of everything and pleasure is poetry. You have to run around with your mask all day and it's only onto you're alone in your own shroud of darkness when you can break down and let it all out. Culture and society dictates that big boys and girls don't cry."

mirror in the sky, what is love?
can the child within my heart rise above?
can i sail through the changing ocean tide?
can i handle the seasons of my life

I must have been a fool just now. Went to work when i'm off this evening. I hope i haven't get too use to the schedule like last week.

Today's lesson wasn't really a smooth one. First of all, the diskette i was holding to was corrupted, then who knows what happen, the lab suddenly went black out. When the lights are back, the pc i was using hang. I was asked to teach physics for a period of time; but it's a lil impossible since i'm having school still. It's nt really confirm anyway.

Went lunch with a relief teacher ( da vj gal) cos i forgotten i've promise her for lunch last week, so it's a make-up lunch. She teaches the lower sec cme, science. totally stunned when i walk past her class today. it was so quiet and everyone was so attentive. unlike mine? ermm... actually i've only 1 problematic class. that's enough... nevertheless, still quite enjoyable.

Saturday - Dance practice / Dance performance / work - Was indeed a different kind of performance, i would say my first time. I never perform to such a crowd before. No, i don't mean a big crowd, but rather the age group of crowd. That is 30 and above.... Many VIPs as well...

Sunday - Met up with Daven and he fill me in with his life as a fresh commando. Sounds to me pretty exciting........ i wish i could get into commandos like him in a year to come....

I just reviewed my guestbook, and the very top one from one of my close buddy last time who has went M.I.A and lost contact since he went NS. I don't know how he came to my blog, but i kept thinking my eyes were fooling me again for the second time. I think from the start I?ve wanted to live a life like him. From the day we got closer as friends, he knew my life was a stormy one. I'm taken aback by what he mention. I never knew i gave him such an impression, cos after we got closer its also when he went army and we drifted. That's funny i know..

YC, Email me if you happen to still come by.

i'm touched. loss for words.

I miss visitings this year, because i went jakarta on thrus-friday for a biz trip with my dad. Even though i had reunion dinner on wednesday but i guess i miss out much fun with my cousins. This year, i didn't have to face awkward moments with my sister since she wasn't even there. Maybe she didn't want to see me or maybe she was at her bf's place. This is the 3rd year she didn't come for reunion dinner, but maybe she did visit grandma on other days. My brother wasn't back either and this marks the 2nd year that he miss the reunion dinner. he was in camp last year and is in states this year. It feels weird when everyone ask about your siblings; how are they? why they ain't here? when you are as clueless as them. I just escaped by saying "well, cropped up with something i guess" doesn't make much sense to the adults since its new year.. and it feel totally weird when you are the only one there representing your family for reunion dinners. Yes, my parents went to the other side ( my mum's side ) for dinner.

When i return from indonesia, i went into intensive dance practice with the rest. I also went for practice for the coming singing performance for some awards thing in school. I spend the entire saturday evening making cheese cake with grandma that is after i return from sentosa. I went there alone to relax and i brought raine's dog along for company. ;) No one's home for visitng yesterday and my parents are away as well.. so i'm to make plans for myself before work begins pretty soon.

Just came back from Jeremy's house for some cny gathering. We successfully messed up his room which he spends 3 days cleaning it. Oh jeremy try harder.. :P

I felt a lil out of breath yesterday night that i think my face turn totally white. maybe it was because of tat nightmare.


i pray not for a lighter load, but a stronger back to carry a heavier load.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose,
The past is never far.
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't it make you sad to know that life,
Is more than who we are.

Pam, thanks for being so frank. You might have felt the change in me; that's because i've grew to be stronger. Till now, i still don't see the problem with me being this way and you being unhappy about? I seriously have nothing to hide to all of you. If you are trying to say i'm avoiding her, then you are so wrong. I wouldn't have went out with you guys if i wanna avoid her. I wouldn't even have gone to her house for dinner if i wanna avoid her? Sometimes there are certain things that you've gotta take it slowly, rushing over it would cause frictions and misunderstandings. I know just what i'm doing. however, i'm really glad that we've clear up the miscommunications.

hey this is bad. raine's pc is having serious hanging problems! argh and i can't view my blog. wonders why. anyway sorry if i reply and tag msges late?

i'm going checkup tmr! feeling a lil nervous.

doing the data entry for my dad nw. stupid pc hang when i was saving and i've gotta redo all over. all that i've done in 2 hours and nw i've to rush it before 3am when i meet e guys for meeting later.

HELP!!!!!!!!!

Everyone's practising for open house! Spend my entire break time dancing as well. Saw this 3 girls in club room practising for many days already. dunno wat dance is it but they look quite good in the steps. ;)

Tomorrow tuition resumes. i've got to attend a workshop at night. next week's cny! i will be working on cny! working for my dad. might or might not be in town.

i wish i could be invisible.

sometimes you gotta run into the arms of danger
sometimes you gotta be the sacrifice.
soemtimes you gotta say things that dont come easy.
they say just follow your heart but what if it lies?

Once again, let me make this clear. I didn't turn my guestbook into a testimonials. Its just that it started off with a person writing a testimonial and the rest follow. I'm not trying to promote myself through it, like i said it was meant to be a guestbook. But i can't prevent anyone from typing what they want to right? Like i mention, i welcome just any feedbacks about my layout..abt me.. the negative pts as well.. yap.. ;)

My first day teaching in school. The staffs are pretty ok, though i think some are kinda weird? There were two A levels student on relief teaching as well. I talk to one today over recess, she's from VJ. Girls are superb noisy;can't stop talking. geeeez.... so far so good...Back to school tmr..

I've a stack of documents to read through today, and i need to do up a report by tonight.

Morning run @ 530am with Vincent from Pierce Reservoir right up to King Albert's Park Mac Donalds. Now taking an hour break before heading for my interview and dinner with BOF.

I just clicked on my guestbook, which somehows turn into a testimonial log? Serious addicts of friendster. lol. Reading the comments and for some i didn't realise my impact on them. I'm on one hand feeling touched and on the other feeling i need to build stronger bonds for some. But anyways feel free to write any comments abt me, my blog, anything at the guestbook. Throw in the bad things as well, i would like that. :]

Anyone knows how to interpret dreams? i've been dreaming about lots of things so true, and they happen exactly the following day or the day after. It's quite scary because i feel as if i'm still in my dreams and it's kinda uncomfortable.

Yesterday met Elaine and Pam for lunch and bowling. It was quite alright with crazee Pam around, you just feel like using her as the ball! haa... Well, Elaine and I did talk abit but i still feel very uneasy.. we'll see..
I fear changes now, be it in school, or the people around me. There's so many thing i've gotta adapt and accept all over again. The very thought, I fear, may be painful. Right now, i've been blogging for exactly a year and when i read back at some of the entries, i realise how my life's been like a rollercoaster ride and i just can't imagine what is it like this year round. A single blog entry can't sum up all the emotions inside of me. I'll have more to go through this year, i'm sure. Even now, just that i'm trying to be myself, to take things on the brighter side, to be strong. Yet trying can be very tiring, and it can be very painful.

But if you were to ask me what's the biggest change in me after a year or two? i would say i'm still the same but i've grown to be stronger.

Dark clouds forming. i better go change. wish me luck!

yeah no more prima deli in fast food canteen! It's pretty unhygienic the way they handle their food and don't even mention about their service. i give them half a star out of 5. that is out of pity.

Now to replace it we've "Splash n decker". Serving pasta,sandwiches,rice,cakes,brownies,ice-cream,lots more. Sounds good eh? I suppose it really draws a large crowd of pple over. Haven't try it yet. The ice-cream are pretty cheap. a dollar? and they even have the one with bread. All prices are below the price of 3.
quite gd eh? shall try it soon. gosh hungry....

lots of things changing........ can't adapt... cant accept

Second day of school, am loving the feeling of schooling. no work, no training, no commitments after school. Though my classes does ends pretty late this time round. This wouldn't be for long... my schedule'll probably be changing pretty soon once my job starts filling in. Yes, i'm at the moment jobless, so anyone? ;)
But still living fine, with my income that's coming from my previous month work.

Some updates, raine's brother's back so i've shifted out of his room. My choice was to shift out and probably find some accomodation elsewhere but the parents insisted that i stay for the very good reasons they came up with and i seriously mean good reasons that they make me fly. They really make me feel stress-free. Some days when i came back feeling rather exhausted and in low-spirits; they'll talk to me. Perhaps they are aware of my situation and has grew to understand me better. I really appreciate that and i'm really very touched by their actions, their concern. i barely knew raine for a year, i barely knew her parents for few mths? I would tell myself that i'm so lucky to have them around.

The weekend was a good one. I spend my saturday morning over breakfast with my Dad after passing him the documents. After which, went to meet a client of his at hyatt hotel for coffee and some discussion. His client was from indonesia. very business-minded and easily knew his a very professional biz man. and oh i read in e papers that dealing biz in china with pple is not as easy as we thought it was for singaporeans. China is known to us as the potential trading place in the years to come; and yesterday's paper commented that China people dislike to work with Singaporeans because they aren't risk-takers. but then i think they got to understand the culture here as well. Afterall, every country has their own way of doing things? Basically the whole day, went from one place to another to meet clients till night falls. Watch mona lisa on sunday, pretty good show. Like the art of the show, very classic feeling...;) 5 stars!

Finally get to log in after so long. Some internal server error again.

First of all, Happy New Year to all my beloved friends and whoever is reading this. ;)

So, how did you guys countdown? well.. i had mine at sentosa. Nope, i was working so basically i had a free countdown with such a happening crowd. Was having a great time there, definitely.

Well, as i waved goodbye to 2003, i would like to say as much as i would love to embrace this year with a brand new resolution, hope, confidence, i fear as much to. Like previous years, i set resolutions that right now a year has pass and i look at them and i'm bringing it forward to this year as well. One of my resolution last year was able to have a happy family meal together. Much as i wanted to, right now, this year all of us are separated even further than the year before. But i tell myself as long as i still love them, no matter what, i'll still work towards it and i'm sure one fine day it'll come true. After so long, for those who been reading my blog, you'll know i'm someone bag with lots of problems - family problems ; so to speak. In the beginning of the year, i use to feel very upset over two things. One - my family. Second - my two friends, June and Gloria. Throughout the year, i've been trying out lots of ways to rebuild my friendship with them. Both of them were once my extremely best friends, someone i share my problems to, someone who listens to me, someone who cares about me. However due to some problems on my own, i fail to give them the best i should; i fail to make the essential effort because i was hoping things will turn out better. But that was so wrong, because never did i know as i left some things unhandled to solve on its own, hoping that time will make everything better? Then in the midst of the year, some issues about life, and also what i learn in my religion, woke me up. I realise everything in life you gotta make consistent efforts, even a small one like - sending a sms can make things turn out for the better. So, throughout the year, besides the accumulated family problems, my personal problems, i've been thinking hard every night how should i make it up to them. I tried telling them how much they mean to me, how much i will always be there for them, always. It isn't helping , yet i understand why. Because they say things are no longer the same. Right now, June's overseas i heard, i've never talk to her again, i miss her but she'll never know. As for Gloria, we are talking now again, but each time i fear and i daren't put too much high hopes even though i'll still put in lots of effort. And everytime we chat, i always think it as though its the last time we are chatting and i really appreciate and treasure the every single word that comes out from her. Why? It's an act that i constantly tell myself i shouldn't take the person for granted. I know it's difficult for her to even confide in me, well i don't blame her. Even my own sister could be like that, what's more can i expect from a friend, a best friend. Least to say, i'm contented. As for June, i'm still trying to contact her.

Therefore this year, i hope to build up more stronger friendships; to put in more efforts to make my friends happier. To be there rain or shine. To listen, and wipe away their tears. I'm not gonna repeat my mistake again. That's one of my resolution.